On Being a Mother

This….. is supposed to be a blog about quilting.  However, I have been so busy trying to get things rolling at the Studio that I haven’t had much time to sit down and write.  Then, when I do… it seems like I have all of this "stuff" that I just need to say.  This post is no different.

Mother’s Day is next Sunday and, since most of the folks reading this are Mothers, I just wanted to share some things that have really been on my mind lately.  I don’t expect everyone will agree with everything I have to say.  That’s okay.  I’m used to that and besides… I don’t expect you to.  We are all different and it’s those differences that make us who we are.

I want to talk about our sons and the relationships we have with the mates they choose for themselves.  My niece was supposed to be married tomorrow.   For the most part, she has struggled a lot to grow up.  In many ways… she is much like me (OMG that is a scary thought).  But like all of us do (eventually), she grew up to be a mighty fine woman and one of the best mothers I know.  She works really hard at it and I am proud of her for that.  Yes… she still makes mistakes.  Who doesn’t?

She was engaged to a young man whom we all (our family) loved and welcomed with open arms.  He treated my niece like a Princess (as much as she would let him) and he was a fabulous father figure to her daughter.  But…. He has a mother.  And let me just say – politely - that woman gave the term “MIL from Hell” a whole new definition.  She tried to control everything they did, every decision they made, every thought her son had.  And he was so afraid of her wrath that he dared not side with anyone other than Mommy Dearest.  To say the very least, she was the primary reason the wedding was called off.  Not only was my Niece’s heart broken but her daughter’s was as well.  And me?  Well…. it just made me madder that an old wet hen!!!

I don’t think we get to have a say in who our children choose as a partner; Just like we can’t choose their friends for them.  For you young mothers out there… if you don’t believe that?  Go ahead, give it a whirl.  “Rebel Hell” will raise it’s ugly head and they will be friends with the dirt-bag anyway just because you said it wasn’t a good idea.  That’s how it works.  You did it, I did it, we all do.  Learning what boundaries we can and can’t cross is part of growing up.  Some of us learn the boundaries early and then some of us (no NAMES!!!)  will forever color outside the lines.  All we can do is try to teach them to make smart choices.  Beyond that, we have to trust that we have done our job well and leave it to them (and God) to make those choices for themselves.

When it comes to this subject -  I think, as a mother, we have a right, and an obligation, to voice our concerns ONCE.   Then?  We need to just shut the heck up and trust the choice they’ve made.  If our sons see something beautiful enough in someone to want to spend the rest of their lives with that person then it is our obligation to try and see what they see; To love them and welcome them and accept them (faults and all) unconditionally.  It is not our place to manipulate them, tell them how to raise their children, where to live, where to work, etc. 

Our son’s choice for a spouse is the gift of a daughter.  It’s not an “I’m the Best” competition to be won or lost.  Your son will not love you any less because he has chosen a partner (you ARE his mother after all!) but he WILL love you more if you try hard to respect his choice.  And the bonus?  His wife will love you like her own mother if you respect the fact that she has her own ideas and allow her the freedom to try them without interference from you. 

We mothers… we love our Daughters more than life itself.  But… we raise them differently.  We raise them to be strong, courageous and independent women.  But dang it all… Like it or not… we “baby” our sons.  Period.  And it’s hard to let go of that.  At least it has been for me.  But, I would hate to think that I destroyed a relationship that brought one of my sons such happiness all because I couldn’t let go and let him live his own life.  I can’t imagine not having the joy of my sons in my life.  Why would I want to make them not want to be around because I can’t keep my mouth shut about the decisions they’ve made for themselves as grown men?

My niece will be fine.  Her heart is broken and mine aches for her as well.  However, she is a strong, courageous and mostly independent woman.  And her fiancé?  He is left to deal with his danged old nag of a mother.  And I’m sorry for him in that regard.  More than that?  I pity the poor woman that will eventually have to endure her.

Oh my dear God in Heaven… I never want to be a mother like that one.  Please help me refrain!

To all of my children… I love you more than I will ever be able to put into words.  You are wonderfully made and each one of you are special in your own way.  I’m blessed and honored to be your mother.  I will forever doubt whether or not what I’ve done is enough.  But I pray it is.  It’s all up to you and God now.  And just so you know…you have my permission to tell me to back off when it’s warranted but I pray to God that I never put you in the position that you feel the need.

Love your Children!  Let them grow and then let them go!

Happy Mother’s Day! 

Huggs 'n Stitches!
Deborah